you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
