i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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