Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
