found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
