WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
