I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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