So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
