all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
40s are totally the cure
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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