I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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