I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
