so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
