I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
