the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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