I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I lost the right to judge tonight
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
