she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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