only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
