I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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