My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
birth control should be required to get into college
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
