Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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