if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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