Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
