hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
