Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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