my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My pussy is not your playground.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
