Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
