If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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