Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
