if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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