He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
