I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
