I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
