I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
