I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
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