i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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