So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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