in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
