I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
