Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
