My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
