Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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