Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
