Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
