VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
