Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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