At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
