i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Randomize
