I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
