Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
