You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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