Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
